For 9 months I walked around pregnant. I watched my belly grow from looking like I was eating too much cake to looking like I swallowed a basketball. Layers of muscle and fat and skin kept me away from seeing what was between me and the baby growing inside of me. For 9 months all I had was wonder. I wondered, is this baby going to make it? Will I ever meet it? Are we adding another girl to the group or will this one be a boy. Are these boy symptoms I’m feeling or girl symptoms? I wasn’t sure. One thing I did know was that this baby was very active. I remember feeling flutters super early, way before 12 weeks. After three pregancy I knew the familiar feeling of flutters. As the baby continued to grow, the movements continued to increase, reassuring me throughout the day that it was there and it was ok. I loved that feeling. I remember at work, when we had the pre-schoolers rehearsing for graduation, this little one would flip and move with excitement as the kids sang there songs. I noticed the same thing while sitting in the auditorium, listening to my daughters holiday concerts. The response to music continued as we’d sit in our entry room listening to the girls playing their flutes. I’d think to myself “this kid really likes music”. This kid also made me very nauseous! I was nauseous for the whole pregnancy. It was awful. I was hungry but nothing delighted me. Well, except for cake! I had no cravings just hunger and naseau. Towards the end of the 2nd trimester I started experiencing numbness and pain in my right arm. The pain was so bad that I couldnt cut or write anything with my right arm. I couldnt even get thru stirring chopped meat for taco night! The nights were even worse. I had to ice my shoulders and hands to relieve pain in my arms. I’d never experienced such a thing in my other pregnancies. I cried alot, not cause of hormones but because I was in so much pain. I was so worried that it would never go away. How would I function? I couldnt drive or push the cart at the supermarket without my hand going dumb and pain striking my arms. At times I’d think to myself, what have I done. What if I put myself self through all of this and something goes wrong and it was all for nothing. But one little kick and a smile would appear on my face. The pain, the unknown, the naseau, the sleepless nights, they would prove to be worth it! One thing I did notice in this pregnancy was my hormones. I wasnt emotional or sensitive like I had been with the prior pregnancies. No one really got on my nerves and if they did I didnt meow about it like a cat, I roared like a lion. Almost like I had testosterone inside of me. Most of the time it was the kind that caused me to chase my husband morning, noon and night! Otherwise I was as cool as a cucumber or picante like a spicey pepper. Amir believed that the cause of all of this was a little boy. An energetic, high testosterone little boy. And he was right. I dont know how Liam entered the world, did he come out screaming and crying or was he silent. Due to an emergency c- section, that is a question we will never know the answer to. But I do know that Liam loves to cuddle. He doesnt like a soiled diaper, not even a barely soiled diaper. But he hates to be changed, go figure! You feel like your in a battle, the way he moves his legs and arms all over the place, desitin ends up all over the place, sometimes the diaper rips cause I’m trying to go as fast as I can so I dont have to hear the angry, high pitched scream he makes and to top it off he pees and has been known to poop all over me. Thats completely new to me. My little girls never did that to their mama. He frets if hes hungry, like hes been starving for days. Hes delighted by the hugs of his big sisters and absolutely loves to be in his daddy’s strong arms. He does not like to be alone, loves to be ooed and cooed at. He loves being outdoors and  looking up at the trees. He loves to sleep. Thank you for those 5 to 6 hour stretches in the early evening! Hes not a big fan of the car seat, luckily the car ride always puts him to sleep. Theres so many things we are learning about him every day and so much hes learning about each and everyone of us. So thankful for him. Two months ago we didnt know if he would be Liam or Natalia and now I cant imagine this life without him. So glad you are here Liam.

Back in April, while playing a hangman game with the girls, we announced that in september of 2019 they would all, god willing become big sisters!I’m always amazed when I see gods plan unravel. We were so heart broken 4 years ago when our plan to have another child ended at 18 weeks. Not only did we loose the dream of having another child, but when we were told it was a boy, we also lost the dream of having a son. We continued graciously, knowing we were so fortunate to have 3 beautiful, healthy daughters and trusted that god knew what was best for us and our family at the time. After dealing with the loss we were both faced with losing a parent. Amir, lost his mother and 8 months later I lost my father. Life was uncertain and unpredictable. God new that this was not a good time to welcome a new baby.

The desire to have another child remained in our hearts. As our hearts healed and life went on, i didn’t focus on the desire but instead kept it there and waited for god to tell me what to do. TRUST him was all that repeated in my head. And that’s what I did. And hear we are 4 years later and i can see and understand now that god had a way of healing us and bringing closure into our hearts. On September 20th we welcomed with great excitement a beautiful healthy little boy we named Liam Gabriel. His name represents his entire family who waited patiently for his presence here on earth. L is for Lia, I is for Isabel, A represents both Amir and myself – Anna and M is for Melina. His middle name is in honor of the son who we lost before him. Our family is complete.

I brought Lia home on fathers day 8 years ago. I remember the days leading up to her birth were so busy with a part time job, shopping for fathers day, getting ready for my oldest daughters’ pre school graduation tending to my almost 2 year old and of course the everyday chores and meal preps. The busyness has not stopped and has only gotten busier. I always thought being a December baby was tough but I think June babies also get shuffled into the June madness! As shes grown so has the busyness of life especially with 3 school aged children. June has just become a month of check lists and more check lists. Other then the typical work and end of school days, June is also filled with Fathers day, Shared birthdays, graduations, recitals, bbqs and many things in between. Theres been times where we’ve had to celebrate her birthday a month later, and yes that’s not such a big deal to me, it’s a big deal to a little one who’d waited all year for her birthday party to come. This year, I wanted to intentionally make her actual birthday very special. In the past, her birthday has fallen on other occasions, making it challenging to just focus on her. This year it fell on a Monday, with absolutely nothing else going on other than school and work. I planned ahead and took the afternoon off from work, ( I am forever grateful for having a job that works with me and my family) I ordered a variety of sun catchers from oriental trading along with paint markers and hanging accessories. We prepared everything ahead of time and when her special day arrived I signed out the two older girls from school and together we headed to her class room and shared the craft with her classmates. She also got to share her All About Me poster. At the end of her celebration, along with each child taking home a suncatcher she also gave each child a pack of chalk. The big girls were so helpful in giving out all of the supplies, I didnt have to do anything. I spent most of the time chatting with the lovely teachers and classmates. We had fun and it was a great way to kick off lias birth day!

Our next event was to head over to Build -A-Bear. We had never experienced making one and the girls and I agreed that this would not only be a fun experience for Lia but for all of us as well. Even daddy!

I myself was looking forward to this all week so I cant imagine how excited lia was about it. After the experience, I realized you are never to old or young to build a bear! We had a great experience and although you can walk out of there spending a fortune, the girls were at an age where they understood how to keep the price low and still have a great time. Our experience included picking a special friend each (just the kids of course, although I wouldn’t have had any difficulty picking one out for myself!). Then we gave the girls the option of including a scent, a heart beat or a push button to play a special song. Lia chose to add a heart beat and the other two picked a special scent to include in their bears. Next, as a lovely young lady operated a stuffing machine, the girls each participated in a heart ceremony in which they picked a little heart to include inside of their little friend. After bears and rabbit were stuffed and hearts were sealed the girls got to hit the floor and shop for outfits and one accessory. They got to pick out lots of outfits and try everything on their little friend in the provided dressing rooms. They had so much fun doing this! And so did Amir and I! The experience ends with the kids picking a name for their special friend and printing out a birth certificate. Each friend shares a birthday with lia – June 17th 2019!

Lia named her rabbit Pauline, Melina named her bear Nina and Isabel named her bear Autumn.  Each girl recieved a special home (box) to take their special friend home in. We ended the evening with each of us picking something different to eat at the food court. It was definatley a day that continues to put a smile on my face.  A few weeks have now past, we found a day to have a party to celebrate with family but I’m so glad we carved out that day to truly celebrate lia on her real birthday. I totally would recommend giving this experience as a gift to anyone. Not only do you leave with a new special friend but the experience remains with you forever.

A month ago, our sweet Minnie was attacked by what we believe was a racoon. I went out as I did every morning, to let the three girls out of their coop to free range in our yard. But this time something was very different. Usually  as I’m walking towards the coop, I can hear them ruffling with excitement as I come to open the coop door. This time though, I didnt hear a sound. I didnt think anything of it, maybe I was just a little earlier than usual. It was about 6am, but maybe they had a late night and were still sleeping. I open the door and no sight of them flying down the ramp. Hmmm, I thought to myself. They usually fly out of the door, with Minnie leading the way. I hope they didnt freeze to death. It had been cold a few nights in a row but they’ve made it through colder nights I thought to myself. Well, I gathered up courage and said let me open their nesting coop and see what happened to them. I walk over and notice the top of the nesting box was thrown on the floor. I knew then something had gotten to them. My heart dropped. I wanted to cry but didnt want to upset my daughters, I calmly made my way through the yard hoping that maybe they couldn’t wait to get out and pushed the nesting box door onto the floor with their little heads. These girls have gone missing before and they’ve always come back to us so I was holding on to that same hope. Suddenly I hear rustling in the woods, I see Nutella coming out of the woods, I think to myself phew, they’re ok but then I notice the other two were not with her and that’s not typical. They’re always together. She came out squawking her chicken talk like she was trying to tell me something. She was all alone. My heart broke as I watched her. She seemed lost and lonely. Now I felt for sure that something happened. I didnt want my daughters to let on that something was wrong so I went upstairs to shower and told God that I was leaving it in his hands as I always do. About 20 minutes later, my older daughter calls out to me and says “mom, the chickens are making a lot of noise, what’s wrong with them?”. “Chickens?” I ask her. Wondering if she actually saw more than one chicken. “Stella and Nutella are near our back door making noise but I dont see Minnie”. I was relieved to hear that another chicken was safe. “Phew” I thought to myself again. Ok, so the other chicken might just need sometime before she reappears. Believing that Minnie would make her way home soon, I tell my inquisitive daughter what happened. But soon turned into hours and still no sign of her. All three of my daughters are now aware of what happened and they start to become hysterical, fearing that something happened to her. Nothing I say comforts them. They didnt want to hear any of it. They just wanted Minnie home and so did I. She was the life of the coop. Big and strong. Beautiful and sweet. She was a fighter. Everytime I went out there with scraps she’d make her way through, running as fast as she could past the other two to make sure the scraps were hers and only hers. It made me laugh everytime. I’d have to throw her scraps first and then quickly throw to the other two. The day finally was coming to an end, and there was no sign of Minnie. But I still remained hopeful, I had read several blog posts and online forums saying that sometimes a chicken goes into hiding after they’ve been attacked and they come out when they feel safe. I told the girls of this possibility and we all remained hopeful. The next morning brought no sign of minne. My husband walked through our yard again with melina. A few minutes later she comes running through the back door crying, “we found minnie and she is not alive”, my heart sank. The news was awful. It’s not going to be the three of them anymore I thought to myself, and no other hen will be able to replace her. How senseless it all felt, she was attacked and barely nibbled on. I would have felt better if at least she was the predators meal, but he didnt even eat her. Just took her life from us and left her there all alone. Made me think of all of the things that go on around the world, that you ask yourself “why, what was the point of this”. It’s amazing how much you can love a hen. How bad it hurts to know how frightened she must have been. The kids were devastated, they loved her so much. They raised her, held her, cared for her and made sure she knew she was loved, and now it almost felt like we let her down. As a mother I just wanted to protect their little hearts, telling them “it’s ok, this is nature”, but they didnt want to hear any of it. It wasn’t ok, nothing about it was ok and they were right.We miss her lots. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to see her running out in the yard. I miss the large eggs we used to find in the coop from her. We will definitely get more chickens but no one will ever replace minnie. We gave her a proper burial and we visit her every day. Shes out on the land she loved and shes with us every day. Goodbye Minnie, we love you. 

It’s been a whole year since your wings carried you straight to heaven. I got to carry you for 18 weeks, and get to love you for the rest of my life.

We think of you

dream of you

wonder about you

celebrate you

laugh with you

cry for you

wish for you

hope for you

get inspired by you

love you

every single day.

There was a time when all three of my girls had some type of floating device on when getting into our pool. Getting them ready was an exhausting feat…. bathing suits on, apply sunblock, put on life vests, arm floats, tubes, noodles around the tubes, etc. Only for them to get into the pool and declare that they wanted to be held. So envision one child with arm floats sitting on the pool ladder, and the two little ones hanging on to either me or my husband, screaming to not let go of them. There was definitely no swimming in sight for either my husband or I, just floating three kids around the pool. It was definitely a delight to see them splash and move their little legs around, and watch their little faces get startled when water would splash on them, but it just felt like my husband and I would never, ever have a relaxing pool day again! But fast forward and now we have three little Mermaids, a bin filled with arm floats that are no longer needed. Now, they run and get their own bathing suits on, spray each other with sunblock, put on their goggles and jump right into the pool. I was actually sad when I took out the stash of arm floats and vests and even my littlest said she didn’t need them! For me, it meant no more water babies and that made me a little nostalgic, but that was quickly replaced by loud giggles and splashes, and now instead of “hold me,” “hold me,” “hold me,” it’s “watch me flip,” “watch me jump,” “watch me do a hand stand.” It’s nice to sit back and watch and take pictures! Sometimes I can even sip a smoothie or even make a phone call while floating in the pool!

I love how a picture can come to life, even if it was taken 38 years ago. Like this picture of my mother in law with my husband (what a cutie). Her smile, her hands locking with her sweet baby boy, I can feel her in the moment. The warmth of the sun on their skin. Her eyes say so much and he just has no clue yet! He’s just happy to have someone holding him up. Helping him to stand. He’s so happy just having his mom close to him. He doesn’t have a care in the world. She probably has so many, but right now all she cares about is keeping him on his two little feet. She seems so casual, so natural. Someone just caught her in the moment. What a beautiful moment.

I didn’t know her as a young mother, but this picture tells me so much. She was a happy mom, a beautiful, sexy mom. She was loving, caring and true.

I did get to know her as the mother of a grown man. She helped him to grow up and stand all by himself. Guiding him, but not controlling him. Loving him, but not smothering him. She held him close but knew how to let go.  She always stood beside him, never in front and never behind him. They were equal. He loved her very much and she the same.