I want

I might

I’ll try

I can

I will

I did

Hawaii 2004, on my honeymoon with daddy. No sign of you children for at least 3 years. Life seemed chaotic and crazy but actually it was very simple. I had time to take a picture with a bunch of birds on my head! I had no clue what life was really about. This picture is kinda funny, fast forward 17 years and there’s 4 kids hanging around my head just like this.

I don’t wish I could go back because the present has so much to offer, but some days I wish I could just revisit these little girls who have grown so beautifully in front of my eyes. I didn’t miss a thing and I’m so happy with all of the time I invested in raising you. I didn’t sacrifice anything because every moment spent with you was worth more than anything in this world. So happy for the wisdom of knowing that things will wait, but growing up happens fast. So proud of the young ladies you’re becoming. Grateful to be on this journey of motherhood with you.

Happy Mother’s day to those who are here with us and those who have passed. Mother’s, Grandmother’s, aunts, neighbors and friends who have helped to shape us into who we’ve become and give us the wisdom to raise good humans. I love you mom. Safta, not a day goes by that we don’t miss you. Happy mother’s day.

Its been years since I’ve marched to the beat of my own drum. I remember the simple routine of going to work, coming home, eating dinner and watching a favorite show or working on some project of interest, but right now in this season, its not only about me. Marriage, 4 kids, chickens, a dog, a house, no one agreeing on dinner, constant arguing, laundry that reminds me of how big and blessed my family is, these days I’m marching to the beat of an entire band. I know it’s not forever, so I work hard each day to be mindful and absorb as much of the moments as I can, because I know sooner or later I’ll find my own beat again. I’m definitely not a lead drummer and I don’t like playing solo, so having all of these rhythms throughout the day make me feel so alive and full of purpose. The kids definitely lead and i just adjust the tunes here and there. Its tough keeping everyone happy and meeting the needs of everyone but when we finally find that harmony, it feels good. We’ve learned to play nice together and some days we don’t but I think our family makes a pretty good band! Right now we have a nice rythm to our day. It feels good! We all start our day together, eating, chatting and getting ready for the day, then off to school, work or play. Late afternoon we all come home again and chat about daily drama, tests taken or new words spoken. A couple of hours in between dinner time are spent doing homework, chatting/texting with friends, playing, or watching a video and soon we come together for dinner. Some nights are chaotic dinners where everyone is talking and no one is listening, kids screaming and parents too, along with their eyes crossed and some dinners are filled with laughter and togetherness, either way we’ve rarely missed a dinner together and I cherish each meal we’ve shared. Evenings are spent cleaning up, making more messes, playing, yelling, some phone time, sometimes playing games, sitting by a fire, taking a walk and finally ending up on the couch to watch a show picked by the kids, falling asleep and waking everyone up to go upstairs and drift off to dreamland. Next day I thank God that I get to do it all over again.

I want my cake and I want to eat it too. I want my girls to go back to being little. I reflect on the days that they were 2,4 and 6. The days where things went as I planned and they spent hours playing along together in whatever activity I had set up for them. Days where problems were little and easily solved, days where singing and storytime made you a hero. I miss them little,  and would love to revisit those days, but I’m also enjoying how big and independent they’ve become and how now instead of me solving their problems we solve them together or they’re solving them on their own. I’m also relieved that they don’t need me to set up each and every activity for them, these days I can find them creating their own daily magic while I get the things I need to get done. Now a days I can find a 9 year old baking a cake entirely on her own. I don’t need to stop what I’m doing or say “hold on”, let me get everything ready. She’s fully equipped and capable and its such a wonderful treat, something I definitely couldn’t experience if they were still really little. Thank you Lia.

If I could live one moment for the rest of my life it would be this one right here. The afternoon sun was laying perfectly in all of the right places. The kids were scattered outside. One was clipping flowers, another was drawing with chalk, one was wandering around and one was photographing for me. The moment felt still and quiet and just perfect. No one fighting, surrounded by an abundance of natures beauty. We all felt the moment and agreed it was perfect.